- (I’m running errands for my pregnant wife. While walking to a nearby store, I see two teenagers harassing a child that is only four or five years old. I shoo them away from the boy, and he introduces himself.)
- Me: “So, where’s your mom at?”
- Boy: “She’s in the store. Do you have kids?”
- Me: “Not yet. We’re expecting a baby girl soon, though.”
- Boy: “Well, she’s going to turn out nice, like you! So, I’m going to marry her someday!”
- (I laugh, and play along while I bring him to the service desk, and wait until his mom picks him up. Six years later, my daughter comes home from school and introduces us to a friend that defended her against a bully on the playground. I didn’t recognize him, but he certainly knew who I was!)
The first time I listened to Little Things I cried because I the guy I wanted to be with didn’t like me and made me feel like trash but now I’m with someone who doesn’t have to write me songs to make me feel that he loves me and thinks I’m perfect because the way he treats me does that for me.
you’re most handsome when we lay together and laugh and talk and you kiss me all over and tell me nice things not because you have to but because you want to and when we lay there I know for a fact without a doubt in my mind you love me for me and I love you for you and there’s nothing that can change that because nothing has ever changed that since I was 13 years old and five years later I still want you all to myself always.
what i’m looking for in a man:
- will lend me his hoodies
- good sense of humor
- is a cutie patootie
- will slay my enemies in a brutal display of violence and paint his face with their blood
- good taste in music
are you the SAT because i’d do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes
with a ten minute break halfway through for snacks
That’s the most reasonable pick up line I’ve ever heard. You’re hired.